Shameless Abortion

Shameless Abortion:

DISCLAIMER: Before you read this understand that this is my testimony through my eyes. The way that God forgives is unmerited. I don't confess to deserve his grace but I have overcome the torture that this decision leaves on your mind. I don't share my story to scare anyone but to relieve anyone who's dealing with the same decision.

SHAME: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

I am completely sure that the topic alone has pulled you in. So let me get right to it. I had an abortion. After participating in whom I call my social media cousin Taylor Banks’s Shameless Series. Which was aired on Facebook LIVE to her private Women In Pursuit Group. I decided to shamelessly tell my story in hopes to free someone else. This series was made to encourage other women apart of this group to own our stories. I will admit when the flyer first popped up on my timeline I thought to myself self “Absolutely NOT”. I imagined looking myself in the mirror and actually admitting that everything that I said I would never do, I actually did it. So here it goes.

I was just coming home from college and had been under my mother’s roof for a few months. Boom, there it was in front of me the glaring positive sign. In a panic, I immediately went to looking online for ways to get myself well, (long pause) un-positive. I called the dad and explained our dilemma. The dilemma shortened and a resolution quickly emerged. As all necessary appointments were made I prepared for the day I would do what I feel needed to be done. Most days I tried to avoid making a connection with the child living inside of me growing for fear of too much connection to be ended in such a quick time. So I remember walking into work one day and a woman asked me if I was expecting because I had been feeling very ill in the last few days. I explained without hesitation, yes, but I am not keeping it. I just felt too young, too immature, and I definitely knew we weren’t ready for marriage so I pushed onward to that day of completion.

When the day arrived a chill swam across my face and a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. As I walked into the clinic I was greeted and asked to come to the back. They didn’t ask me if the dad could join so I went alone. At this moment in life, this was the first time I sensed loneliness presence very close to me. I sat and answered every question as honestly as possible and then the next question. Are you sure you want to proceed with this procedure today? My response “Yes, mam I do”. As the nurse walks out they escort me to the sonogram room where they would assess the baby and see which procedure I might need. The lady with the black short cut and Chanel earrings turns in the nurse chair as says “Did you by any chance want a sonogram picture”? Again, the gut-wrenching feeling gripped me as I threw out the words “Yes, please”. I could hear in the background a very well known girl who’s been through what I’d been through multiple times telling me. Whatever you do, do not take one of those pictures.

However, in the distance with my YES went a very innocent little girl trying desperately to stay in love with a man who liked wandering. And, here comes the pills. Well, Ms.Banks here’s your pills this process will take about 3-5 days to be completed you will need a large maxi pad and stay off your feet for the next 24hours. Thanks for choosing ____ HAVE A GREAT WEEK. Uhm, okay, was my response. As I walked into the hall eagerly wanting to be hugged and cry I entered the hallway to nobody I knew. I picked up my phone and called, where are you? did you leave? On the other end, “uh yeah, need me to call you an uber or something”. Devastated, I replied, “Yes please”. I roamed the street for about a hopeless hour waiting for someone to come and pick me up. And remember I am currently aborting my child. The story may sound sad and cold. But, as you all walk with me through the journey of being shameless about our stories I hope you can feel my heart and not just see the story play out. You see I was ashamed for a VERY long time that I did this. I worried about the faces. Not just the faces of others but the ones I would make at myself. Just like movies, there were people outside with flyers and boards talking about our choices and why I shouldn’t do it. I knew at the moment that this decision was not the best. And, still, I dealt with grief’s gruesome punch afterward. Grief, shame, and embarrassment played tug of war with my mind until I couldn’t handle my thoughts without weed. Yet, one today I was reminded that I am not my past and my past does not define me.

1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

My failures made me a better decision-maker, my mistakes caused me to evaluate my surroundings and my success made me appreciate every loss. I don’t stand any longer as women ashamed of abortion but one who’s survived its devious consequences. I have embraced Isiah 1:18 which says “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Shame is something I have to choose to let in and I no longer do. I press forward towards the mark of the high calling and I remember that I am a chosen priesthood and of a holy nation. When I seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness all things shall be added unto me. Of course, all dominion and glory remain at the father’s feet. I am a vessel that’s been spared to tell a story of overcoming the shame of abortion. If there was one thing I could say to some who’s currently pregnant as you will read the next two shameless entries. Is that you can be a great mother! To the one who’s still ashamed remember whose approval you need. It’s not man it’s God’s. He will be the one to reign on the just and the unjust. Repentance is a change of heart, mind, and direction. Once implemented you can walk free from this shame. Step out of shame and walk into the bliss of owning your story. It happened but it's not who you are.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Check out Taylor's Shameless flyer with the things to pray for the next three days. This is where my three-day shameless series came from. Tune in for tomorrow's Shameless Story.

Taylor's Shameless Flyer

Thank you, Taylor, your series blessed. my life. Virtual Church can bring change to the body!

Love Morgan Banks

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